By: Evelyn
Recently I was asked why I didn’t write anymore. I had expressed that it’s hard to write if I’m not hurting or angry. My goal this year was to become a better person. I wanted to surround myself with as much peace and positivity as I could. I’m not going to lie. At the beginning of 2018, there was not an ounce of hope anywhere in sight. Here we are… 4 days away from 2019, and things couldn’t be more different.
I focused on mending relationships that were worth saving. I felt the blows of the relationships I had to walk away from. I learned how to get thru a panic attack without a mind altering substance. I was reminded that no matter how fast my life spirals out of control, a mind altering substance will not help. I learned to be happy alone in silence. I accepted that even the people who gave you life, are not obligated to love or respect you. I had to release my baby girl into the world on her own. I questioned myself. I questioned God. I allowed old abusers to stir up the past. I added new abusers to the list of “abusers”. I let guilt eat at my heart and soul, then I let it go. I learned that I have a responsibility to failed relationships also.
I took the entire year for myself. To learn myself. To love myself. To build myself up. I stopped questioning if I had done something wrong. I learned to set standards. I learned to set boundaries and to also respect boundaries. I made a list of goals and completed most of them. I started eating healthier. I wrote encouraging notes to myself. I stood up for myself and I didn’t feel guilty. I went back to work and was smarter with my finances.
Trust me when I say it felt like practicing all these things broke my soul for a moment. I’m glad. I needed to break like I needed to breathe. It’s easier to enjoy peace, when you accept that you were deserving of it the entire time. I accepted that even though the hand dealt to me wasn’t the best, It could still be played. I learned that excuses prolong problems and block growth. I have accepted that no one is obligated to explain why they hurt you. There’s also no obligation on your part if you choose not to listen to their explanation.
I had to accept that my father is an evil man and no matter how good he talks, his actions ALWAYS prove otherwise. My mother will never have a bond with me like she has with my siblings. My daughter experiences the same toxic father/daughter relationship I experience. No matter how much it hurts me to watch his familiar games being played. I can not control who she puts her energy into. I had to be okay with giving up on my only full blood sibling because he gets pleasure out of breaking down my spirit. I’m learning that I can’t look to my sister to play my mother. Even the ones cleaning up everyone’s messes make their own.
The hardest thing that I’ve had to mentally prepare myself for was that the person you lay down with every night may not go to bed feeling the same love for you that you feel for them. No matter how much you think you have your life mapped out, it can be taken away in a second if you don’t appreciate it. I stopped listening to words and started believing actions. I stopped talking and started doing. I’ve accepted that my MS will not consume me, mentally or physically. I needed every heartbreaking event to happen just the way it did, or I would have never started healing.
