I Am A Broken Soul
By: Disaster Peace
I often find myself being paranoid. And not of things you'd ever expect. Such as government conspiracies or other people that are out for me. No. I'm paranoid of myself. My mental health. My personality. My mind. I've spent a long time ruining those things due to that fact. I'm never sure what I'm going to do or say or think, even. Granted, that doesn't mean I might go on a killing spree one day, but I digress. It means I'm so lost and stuck in the dark that I've long forgotten the way back. It means I'm never 100% sure that the voice coming out of my mouth is really mine. If my views on the world are really mine. And it's lead to a fear of living. I'm 22 years old, I live with my father, and I have 3 months work experience. Total. And I'm torn between "get up and change it and it'll, y'know, CHANGE" and "you don't deserve to be happy. You've hurt so many people. Why do YOU get to be happy but they don't?"
Now, I didn't write this just to vent. Actually, I'm not sure why I wrote this at all. Or what my point is. All I know is the battle for my head never ends. And it's made me feel about 40 years older than I look and actually am. There are monsters in my closet that I don't know that I'll ever kill. Considering, some days, I've been one of them. And it's absolutely asinine to think that one simple choice can lead somebody down a path like mine. Just one choice. One word. One moment. It can change everything. For example:
I was 15 or 16 when this all began for me. I'm 22 now. My girlfriend at the time (also my first girlfriend ever) smoked weed, right? No big deal there. One day over Christmas break I go over to her house. And she asks if I want to smoke. I said, "sure, why not?". The thing there is, I'd lied to her about essentially everything about me up to this point, including the fact that I'd never even drank a beer, much less smoked weed. We walk outside and light up, and she asks me if I'm sure. I say, yeah, what's the worst that could happen?" Not 30 minutes later, I get an answer to my question. The weed we'd smoked, unbeknownst to us, was K2. And for those of you that don't know, K2 can cause seizures, permanent and/or severe brain damage, and in some cases death. I got door #1 and #3. I won't go into the depressing and traumatic details. Her dad brought me back (God rest his soul) and she dumped me not too long after we got to the ER upon finding out I'd lied to her. That one night changed everything. Got me right here.
It lead to years of hurting everybody around me and not giving a fuck about their feelings. Including myself. Years of rage and bitterness and hatred and shutting myself away from the world.
